There is a Chinese curse, “May you live in interesting times”. There is a lot going on in today’s world. It’s easy to get lost and, in the overwhelming stream of current affairs, lose sight of the things really important to us. We can find out that somewhere along the way we have lost something that really was important to us – love, passion, closeness with a Partner. Not one couple wonders about the question – how can we restore the former spark?
First of all, it is worth considering where your relationship is currently at and why it is here. It is not worth searching for crises everywhere and seeing something terrible in drop of the temperature which is totally normal. Maybe where you are now results from the natural cycle and is associated with changes in your surroundings? A new job, stress, child or other factors can make it difficult for you to focus on the needs of your Partner and on nurturing your relationship. Of course, this is no excuse for neglecting your relationship. If you have already noticed the temperature drop in the bedroom, it means that it’s time to do something about it.
The stages of the relationship
Butterflies in the stomach: falling in love
Each of us remembers the beginning of the relationship, the state of permanent waiting and falling straight into euphoria at the sound of the other person’s voice. The initial stage of the relationship is naturally filled with passion and the desire to build intimacy between the Partners. In the stage of “butterflies in the stomach”, lovers are looking for opportunities to build closeness and spend time together. Rising hormones in them make it impossible to overcome obstacles.
This way of looking at the world through pink glasses has its justification. When people are in the first stage of the relationship in the brain, appropriate neurotransmitters are produced that make us “drunk with love”. One of them is phenylethylamine, which makes the person in love have more vital energy and energy. It is exactly the same substance that is released when we run or … we eat chocolate. The other ingredient in our love cocktail is norepinephrine, which makes us in eternal euphoria in love. Finally, dopamine is released, which motivates us to act and makes every moment spent with the Partner a pleasure.
Being in such a state of euphoria, we accept all kinds of physical love enthusiastically and bed satisfaction does not require a lot of effort from any of the parties. If we were able to maintain eternally in a state of such euphoria, probably satisfactory sex would not require us to do our best. Unfortunately, as it usually happens in life, the effects of neurotransmitters diminish over time and eventually disappear completely. Madness gives way to stable love.
Getting to know each other: creating a long-term relationship
To be able to create a stable relationship, the couple have to take off their pink glasses and be able to get to know each other calmly. This does not mean that it is not accompanied by adequate chemical support from our body. In this phase Partners have the opportunity to see each other and understand, and all of them are accompanied by irreplaceable endorphins. Some couples never go beyond this stage – in the phase of a sober look at the relationship, they decide not to continue and split.
At first glance, at this stage of the relationship, it can be noticed that the temperature in the bedroom has dropped significantly, and it may even seem that the Partner is not so appealing anymore. This is normal. Without the hormonal cocktail, we no longer need to embrace each step and the quality of the intercourse itself begins to count, not just the fact of having a sexual act. This stage of the relationship means that it’s time to start taking care of the spark in the bedroom because things are not happening the same as it used to be. This does not mean, of course, that the desired spark of passion cannot be maintained. In the initial phase of the relationship, it is enough to brush against the partner in the elevator as a foreplay. In the later phases it is not so fast, but it does not mean that it is worse.
Only in a mature relationship can you enter into sex with deliberation and taste the delight slowly. Partners learn their bodies and skilfully choosing the means to make the satisfaction last longer. Therefore, we should treat the transition to a stable phase of the relationship as an opportunity to get to know each other better in the sexual sphere as well.
Is he still interested?
When the chemical cocktail disappears and the compound goes into a stable phase, you can see with the naked eye the partner’s decline in desire. As we wrote above, this process is 100% natural and has its cause. Without the picture of pink glasses, we would not be able to build a long-term relationship and build a relationship capable of survival (and evolutionary upbringing of offspring). Therefore, it is important to understand that the decrease in wild desire is nobody’s “fault” and just a signal that you have to take care of the erotic temperature of the relationship.
Unfortunately, the picture of pink glasses can make the Partner also pay attention to other women. It is also completely natural and can have two causes. First of all, the descent of a chemical mixture that accompanies the stage of loving exhilaration causes hunger and a natural temptation to return to the initial phase of the relationship. Secondly, the drop in libido concerns both Partners, which means that you also stopped, maybe quite subconsciously, send him certain signals.
The Partner’s interest, so completely spontaneous in the initial phase of the relationship, must then be sustained. It is also perfectly natural that at some point we change the heels for running shoes and the Partner sometimes sees us in a dressing gown instead of a French dessous. As the relationship stabilizes, we see situations that do not necessarily heat the erotic atmosphere. Do not expect that our Partner will be delighted with this change. The fact that we can afford freedom in the relationship does not mean that we have to neglect taking care of the Partner or renounce tempting lace underwear on Saturday evenings.
Changes and their impact on your bed life
Unfortunately, all the events that happen to us in life affect your relationship. I am writing, unfortunately, because most of them are problematic due to the stress associated with them and the actual impact on our mental condition. For we must remember the direct relationship between psyche and Eros. In short words: If our mind is busy with something else, it is very difficult for us to relax and give ourselves to erotic pleasure. More in the topic you will find in our article „sex and stress.
So all the pragmatic problems of everyday life affect the temperature drop in the bedroom. Work, credit, education, taxes – the catalogue is practically unlimited and, unfortunately, most of the time it causes stress, which affects your sexual appetite. What’s more, everyday matters are superimposed by changes resulting, among other things, from relationship maturity, which makes it difficult to maintain passion. Here the list is also long – wedding organization, childbirth, relocation and so on. All these events affect the whole of your life, including the erotic sphere.
So how do you deal with change? First of all, you have to enter the bedroom aware of your emotional state. If wedding arrangements occupy your mind, it may be better to put aside the erotic frolics and spend the evening to review the samples and plan an erotic night for tomorrow. You can even heat the temperature in the bedroom by arranging thematic sex. If you’re just organizing a wedding, it’s easier than jumping into white lace and decorating your partner with a “wedding night”.
The effect of novelty or a girl on a suspension bridgee
In our article: „How to please a man or what men want?”, we describe an experiment carried out by two scientists – Donald Dutton and Arthur Aron. The experiment generally proved that men as an element of the sexual attraction treat the context and adrenaline associated with the situation in which they meet the partner. Through the impressions associated with passing through a high and unstable bridge, they considered a potential partner more attractive in their eyes than men on a low footbridge. The situation of heightened risk and the adrenaline striking their bodies increased their sexual appetite.
At the beginning of your relationship, when the situation is uncertain, the aura of the swinging bridge is formed naturally without any support. Waiting for a call, meeting for dinner at a restaurant, first kiss and finally a longed-for night full of passion. The situation of seducing the Partner itself provides the right tension and builds erotic context.
In order to achieve this effect in later stages, you have to work on it. It does not mean, however, that it will be weaker and we can play with it by sending the Partner some erotic signals. The easiest way to light a spark of desire is to surprise the Partner in a situation when he does not expect it. Simple things like sending him your picture in underwear in the middle of the day or leaving him a note with an ambiguous suggestion in a lunch box can make him speed back home. Such small gestures will certainly warm up the atmosphere of the relationship and will make you both wait with tension on the bed meeting in the evening.
Planning a successful relationship
It may sound cliché, but nothing comes without effort. It is impossible to maintain the temperature in the bedroom without the efforts of both partners. It’s about a lot of things from keeping fit to using the erotic accessories that will give your partner pleasure. Remember that a successful erotic life begins not in the bedroom but in everyday life – in how we care about our appearance and health, how we deal with stress or how we juggle everyday duties to afford an evening full of sexual pleasure.
Maintaining desire and the right atmosphere in a relationship is important, not only on Valentine’s Day or Anniversary. If we want to be fulfilled in the erotic sphere, taking care of the relationship should be continuous. I’m not talking only about occasional buying erotic gadgets or dressing fancy laces. It’s about deliberately considering the needs of your partner and making them part of your everyday life. It is also about dialogue in the relationship and openly talking about your needs. And above all, it is about understanding that successful relationships are not a coincidence but the effect of the Partners’ intentional action.
So if we want to be in a successful relationship, let’s work on this happiness every day including planning erotic elations. The temperature in the bedroom will not rise by itself, and it will not happen overnight. The optimistic fact is that the more sex in our lives, the more we feel like it (of course within reasonable limits). So just slightly heating the temperature in the bedroom in the long horizon can cause a real sexual fire.
Above I am writing about the fact that sexual tension is built not only on Valentine’s Day or Anniversary. However, in the relationship it is also important to celebrate important events. This approach allows you to plan an erotic evening and enjoy counting the days. It also creates an atmosphere of intimacy and mystery connecting lovers. Therefore, it is worth planning special occasions and celebrating them with exceptional sex to leave you wonderful memories and build an atmosphere of waiting for the next sexual celebration.
Taking for example Valentine’s Day. Probably most of your friends will plan this day. People usually buy flowers, go for a romantic dinner by candlelight, plan an evening in the cinema or theatre. Most people also hope for a romantic end to the evening in bed. What if you reverse the order? Plan a dessert for dinner and let the sexual dish become an event of the evening. Of course, nothing prevents you from starting with flowers and supper, but planning the close-up will make the erotic tension build from the beginning.
Passion and heat in the bedroom is built from a combination of great planned events and from everyday care for relationships in the erotic sphere as well. Such special occasions are a great excuse to spend more time on sex than normal, planning to arrange the atmosphere properly and get rid of the distractions. It is easier for such an opportunity to turn off the phone, refuse friends or even … get rid of children and indulge in a whole erotic journey. Such adventures bring the Partners closer together and give them a shared experience that can be summoned in difficult times.
So how to make the passion come back?
Above all, both partners have to want it. Sex does not solve problems from the non-erotic sphere, it is best to solve them first because the intimate sphere will always suffer if the relationship is not going well. If we already know that all other issues are under control, we can directly approach rebuilding intimacy. With the re-ignition of the heat in the bedroom is like firing a fire – you cannot hurry. With small gestures, rebuild the atmosphere first and introduce little love rituals to your life. Sometimes a small change is enough – for example, giving up a bathrobe for a velvet shirt to get the attention of the other person. A couple of gestures, a proposal to jointly hug each other in the evening, and so slowly, we are building closeness and fascination with another person again. Then it should naturally lead to planning your first Great Evening.