To find out what men want, you have to think about what they have in their heads. Because, in the end, it’s not about the technical act of putting something in something but about a much bigger topic of love and fulfilment. So I recommend going through the article to the end and extracting from it what is valuable to you. And remember – your guy is the person you know best. After reading, I suggest to refer to my own intuition and try – because success in love is something worth fighting for.
Men are from Mars?
When I was entering the world of relationships, the book “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus” by the author John Gray (unfortunately Gray not Grey, because it would seem like a good coincidence) was popular. Of course, I bought the guide at that time and with a smile on my face I entered the world of secret knowledge of the mysteries of the male brain.
The guide had a lot of cool and easily written statements that at that time helped me to understand certain behaviours of the opposite sex. All in all, it opened my eyes more to the customs of men in the emotional than sexual sphere. I recommend it to everyone as a cool and humorous written summary of the errors of our upbringing. However, I do not recommend using the sexual orientation guide.
Although I value the author’s advice and his contribution to my personal development, I must say that in the sexual sphere I believe that we are all from the same planet. I do not think that any division between Martians and Venusians makes sense because we have exactly the same desires and needs. All that is needed to make an agreement in the bedroom is mutual openness and trust to enter new, yet undiscovered worlds together. Therefore, an important lesson on the path to man’s satisfaction – in bed we are the same and we have the same rights and possibilities.
Sex as a duty
There is no worse thing in the world than being forced to do something. It does not matter whether we are forced by someone or we put pressure on ourselves – sooner or later we start to sincerely hate the forced activity. In our culture and upbringing, unfortunately, the institution of “marital duty” persists, or the feeling that the relationship should be pursued at some fixed rhythm so that the relationship does not break up. The institution of “marital duty” makes that at the moment of crisis or any other confusion, mandatory sex appears on the table like a cold chop and neither side should refuse to eat. Couples have different reasons for such behaviour – in women’s minds, they were instilled with the belief that “if you he does not get it at home, he will look outside”. It also happens that couples will make love to the calendar to conceive children (or not to conceive them).
The whole leads to a sick situation when one (or often two) parties agree on an intercourse which they have neither desire nor want. Bringing the act of love to such a level makes the joyful celebration of the relationship a cyclical procedure – like a visit at the dentists – that needs to be done in order not to get sick. And so it turns out that none of the parties of such a relationship receives what they need (elation, ecstasy, fulfilment) and only deals with the physiological need to put the penis in and tick the “duty”. That is why I propose to give up sex every time the motives to practice it are different than “because we feel like it” – this approach will eliminate many unsuccessful nights.
The tomato soup paradox
Imagine your favourite dish. The one you always want to eat. For me it’s tomato soup with rice – so delicious, homemade from real tomatoes. Now imagine that the same dish is served to you every day. For the first week I would probably be happy, in the second I would think about hot broth or mushroom soup, in the third I probably would give up eating because I would not be able to endure another bowl of tomato soup (and maybe I would consider a visit to the broth bar) …
Unfortunately, this pictorial parallel perfectly reflects the feelings to which we lead our partners by offering them non-stop the same scenario in bed. At the beginning of the relationship of our “tomato soup” is spiced by the fact of conquest, dating. Our hormone-stimulated brain makes it a great experience even to brush against the Partner in the cloakroom under the surprised look of the others waiting for the coats. With time, serving the same dish constantly, we make the best delicacy fall into the position of unpleasant duty.
How can you deal with this situation? I think that we need to expand the menu, propose to the Partner things that you have not done in bed. Not specific things, because each of us sometimes wants to order a dish that he has not tried yet. So it does not matter if you offer your partner a full body massage or fellatio, it will be interesting for him because he will break the routine and allow new sensations. With these varieties, believe me that “tomato soup” will also often be a choice of choice, and eaten with taste.
A woman on a suspension bridge
In 1974, two scientists, Donald Dutton and Arthur Aron, conducted an interesting experiment. They hired an attractive assistant who accosted the men crossing the bridge and talked to them. During the conversation, the girl offered her phone number to the interlocutor. The experiment was carried out on two bridges – one unstable suspension bridge, overhanging 70m above the river, and the other at 3m above the stream. As it turned out, men were 4 times more likely to call a girl met on a high bridge.
What’s the conclusion for us? Well, the men on the high bridge appreciated the whole situation – not only the girl (which in both cases was the same) but also the context and adrenaline associated with going through the high bridge. They recognized the potential partner as more attractive in their eyes than the control group because of their experience and uncommonness. The situation of heightened risk and the adrenaline striking their heads increased their sexual appetite.
The most important conclusion flowing from this experiment for male-female relationships is that a woman can also influence her partner’s perception of the situation. It is enough if the sexual act is properly integrated into the accompanying events. I’m not necessarily talking about parachute or bungee jumps, remember that any unusual events planned before sex will also affect the higher level of adrenaline. It does not matter if the event of the evening will be a shooting range or slipping into the garden during a grandmother’s party – every man prefers a girl on a suspension bridge.
You’ve probably read it a million times, but … apart from the specific sexual context in which you may sometimes want to entertain, complexes are not sexy. So if you’re not just pretending Anastacia Steele, leave the whining for your friends and not for your Partner. Why? Because physical love does not combine well with self-pity and conversations about the meaning of life.
So if after taking off your blouse, do not ask the question “Did I not put on weight?” Better leave it on after sex – especially that then the answer will potentially be more flattering. The truth is that guys do not spend whole days reading women’s magazines and comparing your figure to models. The truth is that the moment you pull the bra off there is no chance that the guy will notice an extra fold of Christmas fat because he is focused on something completely different.
For the needs of Ars Amandi, assume that your body is the best that your partner can see at the moment (which is not inconsistent with the truth). Do not cover yourself and do not hide what he wants to see. If he decided to make love with you, he wants to be with you – it’s not worth to spoil his fun. Therefore, it is best to plan the night so that the possible shortcomings of the beauty do not lead you out of the mood. You can dress a catsuit, a tight corset, or change the electric lighting to a subtle candlelight. Anything that will make you feel good in your own body.
What does a man want? Talk about it!
The best way to find out what he wants is to ask him. Of course, not directly, unless you are at such a stage of the relationship that you can afford it (then I propose to abandon the article and call him because you are wasting time). Talking about sex is not easy. Mainly because it is culturally made taboo and despite the best intentions we start to feel uncomfortable as soon as we enter on this topic.
One of the ways is to summon the dream convention. It is a method that allows you to communicate your needs in a non-binding convention and ask for the same. When you have the time and the conditions for such a conversation, you can calmly start the topic in a light convention, saying for example, “I had an erotic dream today, I dreamed that we made love in the shower.” And add some details here.
When you start such a conversation, you let the Partner know that you are considering some kind of variety in sex and you can talk about it. Such a convention also gives the possibility of withdrawal to the other party, who can simply say “Actually a crazy dream. I would not do something like that. On the other hand, regardless of the outcome of this particular conversation and whether you decide to implement the “dream”, it gives the Partner the opportunity to tell their own fantasy in return.
Never say never
From time to time, we all tend to make absolute statements like “I will never do it”, “it will never happen.” The truth is that life is long, and in appropriate relationships it often turns out that what was unacceptable to us suddenly becomes a considered option. If we want our partner to be satisfied, let’s get rid of his “never” dictionary and all such final statements and replace them with “I’m not ready for it yet”.
Why? Unfortunately, each of us is afraid of rejection, it is very difficult for men to talk about their needs, especially if they know that we can react positively. Therefore, if we give them to understand that their needs are inappropriate, inappropriate or even “perverted” then they will not stop having them, they will simply stop telling us about them.
In order to share the desires and ideas for shared experiences, it is best to adopt a concept in which there are limits “not yet to be exceeded”. It is worth communicating to the partner if we are not ready for something, but it is never worth refusing him for all times and making him feel uncomfortable even asking the question.
So how to please a man?
Exactly – how to please a man? As I tried to explain above, if you would have to use one sentence, it’s “every time in a different way”. There is no unambiguous way, a magic trick that will lead him to absolute pleasure (at least not 15 years in a row). The most important thing is to understand his needs and give him what you both want at the moment. A man is not a mythical creature completely different from a woman and therefore completely incomprehensible. In the sexual sphere, he wants exactly the same – experiences worth remembering, orgasms that bring a smile to his face the next morning and above all, the partner with whom he can share this pleasure.